Checking out

...is what my husband is doing of late. I'm at wits end with him. He wanted this high paying job with more responsibility but isn't happy if he's not bitching about it. He stays late, works at night until 2am on the computer, goes in on the weekends, etc. and is really skipping out on us. He's checking out emotionally, I'm afraid. I'm so tired of hearing "let me just push this last update through and I'll come hang out with you"...and bringing the kids inside an hour later to find him cursing over the computer.

I had terrible PPD with girlchild, and I KNOW he did, as well, though he refused to admit it. Now I think he's losing himself in his work instead of getting depressed. A preventative measure? Maybe. Does he feel inept now as a father, since I'm home with the kids and seem to "get" what they need more instinctively? He seems to think a bit of boob will fix everything (doesn't every man), when really all the baby wants is to be held. By his daddy.

When he *is* home, he is moody, irritable, and angry. Every little slight sets him off...wether it's all the crumbs under the livingroom couch, the girlchild moved some papers around on his computer desk, or the baby is extra cranky.

It's not just me anymore. My little girl was throwing things in her closet the other night when cleaning, saying "stupid this" and "stupid that". I caught her arms and asked her what was wrong. She looked so sad and said "I don't like it when daddy is grouchy". My heart just sank. I don't either, but we never get him any other way anymore, it seems.

We both really need this upcoming vacation. I am hoping it helps him reconnect with his kids and me. We really need him, and I have a feeling he feels like his users/clients get way more of him than we do. I miss him so much. Sex won't fix everything, as men are inclined to think. It won't help us "reconnect" any more if we can't have a civil conversation or any quality family time. Please, God, let this work. It's not a dealbreaker, this issue, but I need to find the strength to talk to him without putting him on the defensive. I need him to see how much we need him.

Mom's group a hit!

For those just sitting on the edge of your computer chairs, the mom's group is becomming a great success. We've gotten together twice, and I've received several requests online to join, so we're at about 15 now.

Everyone is really cool, and I've met some women who are quite a bit like me. I didn't know one other mom who cloth diapers in town, and now I do. One woman was a musical theatre minor, and another is just starting to attend the last church I went to. So whaddya know? This might be the hit of the SAHM gig for me.

And again, I ask, what the hell?

Shopping for a formal gown with a college aged friend for some black tie thingy she's going to.

Kids in the stroller right next to me.

Some woman, also looking at gowns asks me:

"So, are you looking for a mother of the bride dress, too?"

Just shoot me.

What the hell?

Sailor mouth. That is what I have. Always have had. Now I know it's time to curb it.

Heard from the nursery this morning as Girlchild peers over at her baby brother.

GC: (in sweetest baby talk voice): What the hell are you doing, Zachie? What the hell are you doing, sweet boy?

I don't know if that is worse than the "oh shit" she said the other day when we came to the front door and found it locked. :/

50 things I like about you...

...aka what to write about when your life isn't interesting enough to write a witty essay:

1. When I was in the 8th grade, I wanted to be an icthyologist.
2. That means shark scientist
3. I changed my mind when I found out I'd have to get in the water with real live sharks
4. But I do still remain glued to the couch during "shark week"
5. I started acting at age 11, dancing at age 8
6. I met my husband in that first play I did: Oliver Twist
7. The first time he held my hand I thought it was gross (I was 11!)
8. I didn't know what the electoral college was until the election of 2000
9. I'm pissed off now that I know, since Indiana will always vote Republican
10. I lived and worked a season in London after graduating college
11. I tended bar at a pub there
12. The customers said I talked just like the girls on "Friends"
13. I did a solo bus tour to the mainland for two weeks and consider it the bravest thing I've done
14. The most important work I've done? Birthing my two beautiful children.
15. The happiest day of my life was truly the day I got married.
16. The second happiest? The day I opened as "Heidi" in "The Heidi Chronicles"
17. The studpidest thing I've done? Trying to do a show of Heidi whilst still stoned from the night before.
18. I chew the inside of my mouth and lips when nervous
19. I also am OCD about touching things. If I touch it with my right hand, I have to touch it with my left.
20. I turned thirty this year, and it was triumphant
21. My hero is my grandmother
22. Next to my husband, my mom is my best friend
23. We had about 450 guests at our wedding
24. There were 200 women at my bridal shower
25. I have a tattoo on my right ankle
26. It's the japanese kanji for "woman"
27. My husband has the kanji for "man" on his ankle that faces mine when we walk
28. When written together, they mean "husband and wife"
29. He wouldn't let me get those tats on our honeymoon without researching it
30. Reasoning it might say "fuck you tourist" and we'd never know it
31. I consider myself an actor first and foremost, and wish it was all I had to put on a resume
32. I'm really skeeved by those Duracell weird puppet people
33. My "list of five" includes Nick Cage, Ralph Fiennes, Jeff Goldblum, James Marsters and Lex VanDerBerge
34. I'd be barefoot every day if I could be
35. My least favorite feature is my shamrock ass
36. My favorite feature is my mouth
37. My mouth gets me in trouble on a regular basis
38. I worry daily about being a good role model for my daughter
39. I worry more that I'll become an evil mother in law to some poor unsuspecting girl someday
40. I eat pizza at least twice a week, three times if I can swing it
41. I've played a lesbian in plays several times
42. I've also stripped onstage and appeared topless
43. In The Naked Lesbian Play, as we so affectionately call it.
44. I let my mom and stepdad attend that one and thought I'd die
45. My mom told me it was her "favorite role for me" to date
46. My daughter's first name is my confirmation name
47. I haven't set foot in a Catholic Church in ten years
48. In my crisis of faith, I have become more spiritual than I ever was when attending mass
49. I'm a stay at home mom now, and for someone who never even liked kids, it's pretty damn cool
50. It took thirty years to finally like "me".

I'm a big dork

So I can't just stay home and hang out. I have to be over achieving super mommy. :)

So far this summer I have taken a part time job I can do from home, keep doing the Pampered Chef thing (at least enough to keep my discount and order all the new cool fall stuff at half price), and taken the kids out to do stuff nearly every day. Mostly just to keep myself sane.

But the summer is coming to a close and the zoo, walks, and the park are going to become obsolete options for stuff to do.

So I started a mom/playgroup. Matchingmoms.org is a cool site that helps moms find others in their area to connect them for whatever you're looking for. I emailed a bunch of women who looked cool and put together a group. I made a yahoo listserv and got it going.

We meet for the first time on Wednesday morning. I am so excited. It's like a blind date or something. I hope they like me. I hope my kids behave. I haven't been this giddy over much lately.

Well, except for getting my Buffy Season Six in the mail and watching all 24 episodes within a week.

Sick obsession of the month

Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

There, it's out. I have a sickness. I watch this with a passion bordering on psychotic.

It's this nursing thing. It forces you to find things to watch on TV at the weirdest hours. I was getting up three times a night to feed the boychild, and by 3 am the second week, I had watched about all the Girls Gone Wild and Jaws 2 on Bravo that I could stand. I must say the shark electrocution at the end never gets stale, though.

So I began to look for DVDs to watch. Ones that have no commercials that try to sell you anything, and can be stopped and started at any interval, to be picked up again at the next sleepy eyed waking.

I borrowed seasons 1-7 of Friends. I'm all caught up, Rachel is pregnant, and season 8 isn't available yet. I watched both amazing seasons of Sports Night, and nearly caved to my husband's Babylon Five collection when I found Season One of Buffy on half.com for fifteen bucks. Why not? I liked the few episodes I caught when flipping through the channels in the post college evenings of many free moments.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me the opportunity to know the Buffster before now? You get smart dialog, witty pop culture references, scifi monster effects and some hot love stories bundled into one package. And cute hair. Lots of cute hair.

Now I spend free moments online searching the fansites, devouring all I can about these actors, who suprised me, the acting snob of our time, as being really fantastic talents. And once I got past the creature effects, I noticed the amazing cinematography, the keen direction of so many episodes, and the deep mythological subtext in the relationships.

I have since pored over ebay, amazon and the like, buying all six available seasons. The insert in season six says that the final season is coming to DVD in October 2004. I'm giddy like a schoolgirl.

But whatever will I do when I exhaust this amazing stuff? Watch it all over again, I suppose.

Ah, but didn't Angel run several seasons, too?

Damn Turbo Jesus Freaks

I live in Indiana. Land where sports rule, style is a year or two behind, and food is deep fried.

Therefore, your choice of radio is severely limited. You get old metal, Toxic Britney or country. I typically went for country until three years ago when they introduced an "All 80's" station. I was in bliss. Much Debbie Gibson, hair bands and REO.

HOW PISSED WAS I when I woke up one Friday morning and realized that to my horror they had changed format. 93.9 The Song. The muther freaking SONG?? All Jesus Music, all the time.

We're not exactly *in* the Bible Belt, technically. But enough that the master programmers at the station thought that the 25-35 demographic would rather listen to Jaci Velasquez than New Kids.

Heresy, people. Heresy.

Better stock my car with Broadway CDs. And my "Best of Culture Club" CD.

And the man calls...

...and I answer.

Do you ever get time to just be you again? No baby on boob, no child on hip, no husband clamoring for sex?

Seriously. I remember these days with my first. Feeling you are never your own person. Always needed. Always there for everyone but yourself. I remember feeling it would never end, then one day it did.

I can logically see that today...I even have a past frame of reference now. You'd think that would put everything in perspective. Notsomuch when you're in the thick of it.

When told that I just "need some time for myself", my husband asked me what that meant, exactly. Bath? Book? Dinner? Walk? Movie?

My answer to that was of course, "yes". I used to totally enjoy dinner and a movie alone. Lots of people can't do that. I loved it. I'd even take a book to read while waiting for the previews or waiting for my appetizer to arrive. I enjoyed my own company, and the time to myself and my thoughts.

Ah...thoughts...ones that revolved around the greater good, relationships, bettering oneself. Now my thoughts are around how many more minutes he'll sit content in that bouncy seat or what exactly that girlchild could be doing upstairs so quietly that won't involve nailpolish on my walls.

My thoughts have been answered, for I hear the sharp trumpet of a diaper being filled....

I really want time to blog

Finding a blog was such a great thing when I was pregnant and working. All kinds of time to jack around online, spew deep thoughts, etc. Now I hardly have time to wipe my own butt without someone needing me.

The child sleeps in the swing. Ahhh...

....I spoke too soon. THe child awakes.

My God.

Deep thoughts on hold till later....