Sunday, April 25, 2004

Only one week left? Really?

After 39 weeks of waiting, my wait is nearly over. I go between panic attacks about actually pushing this kid out, to mania that the house is nowhere near ready, to exhileration that I will soon be meeting my son.

If you'd have asked me at 18 where I'd be today, I would tell you I'd be living alone in a tiny NYC loft, waiting tables and auditioning, maybe playing mom to a cat or something else equally self sufficient. I didn't like kids, and never wanted to marry. I knew I could enjoy being totally alone, and wanted the freedom to do that.

Today, I'm nearly the mother of two. I have a 4 BR home in a nice neighborhood in the capital city in the midwest. I have a fenced in backyard and a deck with a porch swing. I drive a Toyota Camry, parked in my two car garage, and get a thrill when we can go out for breakfast on a Sunday morning to the Cracker Barrell.

Where did my image of life take another path? At 19, when I started dating my husband. Within 3 weeks, I saw why people choose to get married. After a month or two, I saw why people procreate. It became destiny was to be altered forever. My husband and I have gone through the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. In the eleven years we've been together, we've waged war on depression and illness, faced the very real idea of seperating, then learned how to stay lovers while parenting our little girl to the best of our abilities. We've decided to grow our family, alter our career paths, and find ways to include doing what we love while doing what we must. He is truly the love of my life. Are there others who could have fit the bill? Possibly. But the journey has been so damn interesting thus far, who'd want to start over? Especially when someone else could never be my Jer.

My daughter? When I look at her, I see why I was born. It wasn't to entertain on a stage (though it's what I love to do), it wasn't to work behind a desk (though God knows I've had to enough), and it wasn't to get what I want, when I want it. It was to bring up another to take my place. To teach, to love, to guide and to share in growing a person. To see myself in her eyes. Sometimes I don't like the things I see. That makes me want to be a better person. I hope she can see this better person as she grows and changes.

And my son? Well, I sit here at 2 in the morning, less than a week from my due date. I can't sleep. My mind pores over the things that still need to be done around the house and my lawn that looks like it could hide a small mammal or two in its tall blades of grass. I think about that little boy who is lazily rolling around in my belly. I want to know who he looks like, whose personality traits he'll take on, and how I will possibly be able to learn to share my love with one more. I'm scared to go through what must be done to get him here, but know that it's one day in a long life of amazing events. If it brings him to me, I can do it.

And that 18 year old hiding inside me? She still auditions. She enjoys her "me time". But her husband is allergic to cats. :)

Monday, April 19, 2004

I've finally lost it

Yesterday I lost it. In front of my little girl. Total crying breakdown. The weather was gorgeous, and the honey-do list was astronomical, but SOMEONE decided he needed to SLEEP on the COUCH all freaking morning, so my nesting self lugged the miniblinds out to the porch to wash them and hang them up. Grumbling the whole time. Ellie asked if I could hang out with her on the porch swing...I said "no, honey, I can't right now, I need to do some work because your dad is sleeping." "why is daddy sleeping?". It took every ounce of control I had to not say "because he's a lazy asshole".

The wind was terribly strong, and all three of my freshly washed blinds flew off the clothesline into the muddy yard. That was it. I just flung them across the porch, flopped down on the swing, put my head in my hands and started sobbing. Jer comes out to see what the problem is, and Ellie started yelling at him: "Daddy! Why are you sleeping while mommy is doing that business!!! She is so sad now!!!". Jer tells her because he's tired, then looks at me and says "I could have told you it was too windy to hang those blinds up".

I have never been so angry. I looked up at him, and in front of Ellie, said "I don't need your fucking advice, okay?", then went inside and continued my breakdown.

Later that afternoon, he's out washing the blinds again, and cursing the wind again. He comes in for a drink and Ellie just said "I guess no one likes to do that business, huh?"

I took her to the park to escape the house yesterday, but when we got home, it got worse.

Last night was the worst ever. El was pushing it all afternoon...crayoning the dining room table, glued some drawing to her bedroom wall, etc. I can't really chase her down, and I'll give you three guesses where my husband was (sleeping on the couch you say? Why YES!!!!)

So anyway, by the end of the evening, I finally go upstairs and her room is a DISASTER. Every toy she owns on the floor, bed torn apart, clothes strewn everywhere. Bad bad bad. Jeramy and I had warned her a few times that bedtime was coming and she needed to clean up the room.

Jer, on the last go around told her that if she couldn't clean it up, he would, and everything would go in the trash. Obviously didn't hit home until I hear him going through the room throwing everything in a kitchen trash bag.

THE SCREAMING, my God, the SCREAMING. You'd think we'd poked her eyes out with a hot stick, or were lining up her family and shooting them systematically. She was running around the room, holding anything she could pick up, saying "no! Please no! NOT MY KITTY!!! Not my Care Bears!!" All these great new birthday presents...into the bag.

As important as this lesson was, and the followthrough on the threat was necessary, I couldn't take it. I had to leave the room. My heart was breaking for her. She cried all the way through her bath, and then I heard Jer strike a deal with her. The toys would be put up for two weeks, to see if she would do better and listen when mom and dad tell her to do something.

Please please please let this baby come soon and please let her get this out of her system. Please let my husband see a freaking doctor so we can figure out why he sleeps all the goddamn time. Please help me to hold it together and not lose it like this when I'm home alone with two.

I'm just too freaking hormonal for this shit.